10.1.08
im going to sleep now, at 7 16 pm.
i know my returning home early has occured rarely these days and i should put it to better use: a run, packing my room, reading, revising CAT, packing my wardrobe, talking to my parents, practicing harmony, changing bedsheets, doing FRS, doing PBL, doing IPL presentation slides, watching tv, etc
but right now, at this moment, i can't care less.
in fact when i was lying down and dozing off on my bed one minute ago, i had to gather all my strength left to get up, type this post and now i have to go to bathe and just sleep.
plain tired. burnt. low energy level. sleepy. zombie. nice weather. not feeling well. comforted stomach.
whatever i justify, as i like.
pardon me.
19:16
28.12.07
getting alot of mixed thoughts.
not doing my essays yet. what exactly am i waiting for? a genie to fall from the sky? lol.
no one wins you unless you allow them to. they can trample you, taunt you and try their best to ridicule you but so long as you believe, and don't succumb, you still win. so are you willing to or why not. i don't get it. is it something wrong with my rationalizing skills.
hmm. have to learn to weigh consequences and outcomes. when i find myself unwilling, i often change my perceptions instead of rejecting. think of the long run girl, the long run. but somehow, i still feel highly uncomfortable. a sense of fear? dont understand really.
and so i try to look ahead. the route is indeed long. its gonna get tough real soon too. no time, for many other issues.
our equal shares of problems. don't try to act superior with yours.
just some random thoughts really. thats how my brain functions. time to go running.
run. run. run.
from what? to where? and more importantly, for?
16:50
26.12.07
feeling very drained. think i'm finally crashing from all the energy i've gotten from sugar, green tea and chocolate.
im feeling very sleepy. my work are all untouched. lms report needs tons of editing, pbl needs checking, essays needs ideas but i really need sleep. oh, and my mum needs help today with the baby so i can't do much work. maybe i should have a real good sleep and start tomorrow.
problems problems problems all around. everything seems like problems when you can't cope.
oh well, i'll just have some fun watching barney, and perhaps grab a cup of green tea later.
i have a feeling i need some miracles.
13:22
12.12.07
wanna thank my course people who sung me the birthday songs. never had so many people wishing me happy birthday before. kinda touched. thank you very much.
wanna take this opportunity to thank all my project mates for their effeciency. you guys kept grumbling to the minimal and met deadlines well. not to mention our last minute spontaneous pull-offs in presentations. you guys are great! never gimme additional trouble.
i am glad for everyone who helped me grow in this year, be it by helping me, or harming me. i am grateful. xin ling and hui bin, although you guys probably wont read this... its good we keep in contact. yeah (:
so long. i love myself. LOL.
wahahahahaha. my godmother recover le. whahahahahha
21:22
10.12.07
lol. cedric asked me to blog about yesterday
hmm. worked yesterday at sengkang petrol station
lol, much more fun than chua chu kang's outlet
the farid damm slack. LOL. 16 years old attitude already sucks
another person whose attitude sucks is the auntie working in the petrol station. LOL
we kiddingly ask her to take one stack of magnets, and she REALLY took, on top of the ones that she stole while we're not looking.
even she herself used the word "stole"
hmm. poor cedric. keep bullying him.
fairprice express is an interesting place to shop. so many pretty packaging.
yesterday turned out alright afterall, headache went as i reached home.
"wu liao" (:
oh yah, someone in my class have sucky attitude too.
09:56
9.12.07
after being classmates for so long, one should learn what can be joked on, and what cannot.
or at least sense it.
1) don't joke about my family. (this applies to everyone i think)
2) don't joke about serious stuff which you know i care for (or be the boy who cried wolf)
3) don't further joke, by saying "no" when i already ask are you joking (it makes it seem fake when you finally say "actually i AM joking" oh, the boy who cried wolf
anyway, i dont care if im gonna offend everyone in my class, but i hope my group members, and future group members, have a sense of commitment, not just responsibilty.
finally released some steam.
23:30
27.11.07
sx asked me to blog.
BLOG. wahahahahha
hmm. kinda amused at OB's new assignment.
so much stuff to do, so much coming up. i need CCA points!!
skive skive skive
shopping shopping shopping
BLOGGED. whahahahha
11:52
31.10.07
today i did reflections.
i realise i have been ill-treating people around me. (yeah, i know, "now then you realise")
i dont take for granted people who are nice to me, but often, i just don't treat them nicely back.
i seriously haven't been treating people nicely
but its kinda confusing. cause often the first wrong thing i did was expressing too much concern, or getting too close
i don't like it that people are suffering unrequitted love and i'm the origin of it.
i don't like it that i'm indirectly hurting someone.
i hold it to my accountability, where your perseverence is my crime.
and i shall pay, in the future. for all the rejects i've done, and hard-feelings i expressed
so don't make me pay even more anymore yeah?
debts i can't possibly repay.
goodness i can't transfer.
feelings i can't return.
i'm really sorry, so don't make me sorry further.
let go, and let live
and may this translate as a warning to others
宇恒-有你多好
作曲:宇恒
作词:管启源
编曲:mac chew
回家路上经过了学校
好像没有当年热闹
学过什么大多都忘了
却还记得你的微笑
关于爱情我们都想得太好
总是在伤害中才学会思考
那次分手你曾让我暂时的依靠
想起来原来你
喜欢我比谁都早
我们曾经说
好爱情多不可靠
所以我们不要
变成情人好不好
如果真的遇到
爱上了谁都好
记得要第一时间让我知道
记得要第一时间让你知道
想你知道yeah~
如果时间不是往前跑
你在身旁那有多好
00:46
29.10.07
don't bother lending me a shoulder, wanting me rely or depend.
this state i am in, i won't bother getting out of.
the disappointment you find yourself in, no one's gonna lend you a shoulder.
21:07
26.10.07
i know i have to keep my strength up. i am what people percieve me as- strong, independent, able to look after myself in any situation. i always seem fine. i know that, and i'm glad.
but the load is getting too much to bear. heavy, emotionally, exhausting, physically and mentally.
assignments have started to flow in, and i find myself staring at them, thinking about how i'm going to balance them with work and studies. i know i can. but i need to make sure i put in most of what i can for them. anyhow, i'm glad of the leadership role i'm given. it forces me to get motivated and moving. it recognises me. the most minimal comfort that can be found in this academic situation. things are just gonna get more taxing.
but somehow we just aren't prepared. i can tell. but when life swiftly grabs you up for a shock attack, you are tuned to react.
lets go, hypocrites or whatever. if we gotta deal, we deal it well. walk along beside your conscience, get your hands messy. enjoy.
21:41
24.10.07
"you dont do the appropriate thing at the appropriate time"
"you're too noisy"
"i hope that at least shut you up for a while"
i guess these three statements just hit hard at me.
too hard. its been years.
12:55
23.10.07
thank you all for reading my blog, and letting me know i exist when reading your blogs.
he who seek shall be given. (:
11:29
22.10.07
feel that our class has changed alot. everyone feel so distant now. so apart. people get serious and sensitive at what i say. there's nothing to chill, from the start till now, i hadnt been uptight. but the overly sensitive attitude is starting to make me jump. i dont know. some two guys in class is floating apart from us, the reasons we used to bond for seem to be getting invalid, some people are getting really quiet and cooped up, others are worrying me, the entire class is restless, and its not like there ain't my fault. my faith seem to shake even for my ideal project group.
oh people, where have we gone? come back to me.
19:35
16.10.07
don't feel like i have enough time at all. gotta sarcrifice debate and cca points. too bad. but first few days of school hasn't started off very well. well, my impression of lecturer 3 is starting to change. i know, fickle of me right? but you see, if he teaches more, guide discussions better, reduce "therapy", let me multi-task, and talk gentlier, he may pass out alright afterall. anyway i realise how close we have been getting to the lecturers, like miss peggy. sigh.
sx made me reflect upon my whining. yeah, it doesnt made A01's image look good. so i stop whining. and i take more actions.
okay enough of mumbling. get up, and going.
19:25
hmm. dilemma if i should give out my new url. i think the root of the problem is that
1) i am insecure that my comments/opinions will be taken graciously by that friend
2) i do not want to take responsibility for the content
19:20
28.9.07
i've created another blog and the context and objective of it will be different. i will occasionally still update this but i dont think anyone avidly reads it and feel any impact anyway. inform me, assure me (:
22:37
while some people may not cope with reality as well as needed, there will always be people concerned helping them along with it.
reality ain't cruel all the time
future is unknown, but the looks of it is interesting.
unless i get banged by a car
stay positive and go-
don't worry more than you can help.
lives of others will be but lives of others.
every breathe i take,
every decision i make,
can't worry about life always.
21:16
24.9.07
sometimes going apart
is truly recieving on both ends
and not losing
we go apart with more to gain
to learn to grow
to learn to love
be it we'll never come together again
but when you think about me
do stop your hastened footsteps
and if we continue caring,
our relationship will never end
and this i know
00:26
18.9.07
记得小时候我们常常做白日梦吗？
我们都在期盼幸福以不同的方式来临。
但长大的孩子们都不敢有梦了
一个一个的，我们向现实屈服，
一点一点的，把快乐赶走。
一起拒绝快乐与它降临的可能性
我们纷纷迷失了方向，
往不同的目的地前进，
寻找，我们认为原地已不再有的- 幸福。
但仔细地看一看，幸福一直都在我们身边啊 （：
它只是偷偷的藏起来了，
让遗忘它简单的我们盲目追着它的影子，跑啊跑…
we can't dream of happiness
nor pursue happiness
least to say own happiness,
when we don't believe in it anymore.
in the seemingly dark tunnel,
where we frantically seek light,
crave happiness.
just remember it is within us.
and can only come from within us.
believe very very hard in it (:
要记得噢！我们每个人都可以幸福的
而没有什么人或事可以夺走我们幸福的权利 ^^
一定要幸福噢！加油！！
22:18
3.9.07
glaring reality and me. we dont seem to get along too well. its something i have been avoiding, but yet now i have to accept, face that its everywhere, its everything, clashing with the ideal. reality says there is no forever, reality says there's no right or wrong, reality speaks of selfishness, of greed, of a forgetful memory. all i want now is to keep myself. no matter the reality, i'm going to stick with my direction and my principles. keep an easy smile.
14:34
1.9.07
don't try to resist any strong stirring emotions you feel in you.
learn to accept, the same way you accept people, circumstances, truths.
accept thoughts about people you are missing
accept feelings regarding insecurity
anything evil, anything good
don't be doubtful at all
accept and understand why.
accept, understand and they will place themselves in rightful positions
people you miss, will start to live in you
insecurities will bring up esteem and jump into actions
evil thoughts are often our cries to needing concern.
knowing what kind of concern you need, you shall then recieve it.
why hesitate something so good?
all it takes is the first step, acceptance.
01:34
25.8.07
she afterall, is only human (too)-
she often feels she needs more than what is given
and while she can stand alone
she'd like to know if there's anything she can fall back on
she copes by triggering reaction formation
but secretly she wants people to see what is concealed
her needs, her wants, her demands
cries softly in her
to get tougher, she'll have to manage them herself
to built up a wall of independence, very well aware it'll tumble down one day
from day one, she knew
from day one, she decided
from day one, she'd plunged into the offer
exchanging conditions
a deal that wasn't so good
but she needed it, that day
that day one, she took back her tears, understood that breaking down wasnt an option.
subsequently, in other phases, other aspects,
more and more day ones came
all she could do was to stack the wall high
try not to think about it all tumbling on her
it seems like a choice of happenings,
at least until it is robbed
this is her unfinished tale
23:37
when i see half the people working so hard chasing after goals
and have the people floating down there staring as time ticks away
i ask myself: so what are we all pursuing after?
it seems, only the smart knows what is it they want, and where contentment lies.
and for all the rest, they will always be striving for more and more or staying at unsatisfication
no matter what you possess, you will still feel empty
unless you can find out, what it is you're really after
and while time seems on your side, think again.
not really.
and one day, you may be left thinking: can i have another go at this relationship/life/event/decision?
damm, rerun.
16:25
19.8.07
appreciation.
it seems like a topic that if an argument arises, can go on forever and ever.
who can measure appreciation? and who can say that appreciation ought neccesarily be translated into obvious "I DO APPRECIATE YOU" actions?
more than often, appreciation is in the form of very subtle little things. and the concern and gratitude from it may be expressed in ways the other party don't quite get it. if one feels appreciation, then it exists. but if the heart totally voids of appreciation from the other party, then two common possibilities arises- either there really isn't much love to appreciate, or its insecurity and uncontentment or the refusal to be open to the appreciation.
you may be wanting more, or you may be saying its simply not good enough. whatever your purpose of saying "you dont treasure me enough", have you thought of the forms of appreciations you envision taking place, in other words, set expectations? why not think of how much time and effort and trouble the person is taking to hold himself/herself in the argument, that could go on and on and he/she apparently can shrug it off by saying "its you who don't feel it" but instead dwell on it, and doesn't that amount to how much he/she treasures you, enough to show he/she doesnt want to lose you just yet, enough to show appreciation?
to appreciate, to express appreciation, to feel appreciated, all takes effort, and an open heart to see things and people for what they truly are, and generously credit them for it.
one can start, of course, by appreciating the life he/she is given.
if i shut my eyes, my world is black.
if i open my eyes, my world is equally black
not unless i learn to see the existence of colours
and the beauty that comes along with it.
11:23
14.8.07
feng kai irritated me... AGAIN. haha.
I assume everyone feels its nice to have someone who reads them, who totally understands them, a "soulmate".
but i question if thats really possible
we all change and we often do not know even ourselves.
and why would anyone really want that in the long run.
knowledge, can turn into a weapon in a quarrel.
which is why, more often than not, the people who hurt us most are those that matter, and know a good deal about us.
by giving information about ourselves, our behaviors, habits, patterns, values, beliefs, attitudes,
we actually place ourselves in great danger of being hurt.
how do we embrace without retreating
how do we ensure that our paces are in sync
how do we trust
and the bottomline, how do we hold enough faith that the driver in that red car approaching us won't knock us down?
its interesting to see how much faith we are forced to thrust, in the world and even ourselves.
so, how do i trust?
22:37
11.8.07
i know i'm too young, but suddenly i realise i really wanna have someone to hold, someone to grow old with, someone to share silence with, someone who dotes me, someone to bicker with. everyone may say we're incompatible, but we really enjoy each other's company. cause love ain't all about talking. two person could have the same interest, but if the feeling isnt there, it isnt. we may not know one another, read each other like a book- but thats okay, cause everyday can be a process of discovery, all that matters is understanding. it can happen, i realised from my parents. sweet as can be. it has no fixed operational definition.
19:27
8.8.07
i've grown up to overcome the fear of the dark
realised the silliness of horror movies
forget how once, i felt like i was nothing, nothing at all.
but through the years,
i'm understanding that trust is still something far from me
confirming that romantic movies still make me cry
admitting that now, i feel like nothing, nothing has changed at all.
17:22
6.8.07
i can't type my thoughts, argh!!!!!
if relationships can all be simple,
and nothing needs avoidance
if we can just go with the flow now,
without trying to affect any direction, pace or outcome
if feelings can linger long enough,
till they are rooted in our hearts and made timeless
if both pairs of eyes meet and understand,
then the air can be dense, though crystal clear for them.
21:50
27.7.07
so glad I got to play ball today (:
whats the meaning of life, specifically mine?
many pursue happiness, many wants to spread happiness, but they are losing it
what can sustain it?
does simplicity do so, or does complications do so.
does planning do so, or does living life easy do so.
does believing do so, or does safe skeptism do so.
does risks do so, or not.
or it depends, again.
The thousand decisions we make,
who can gurrantee all are correct,
who can review the future of the decisions
who can tell if im going to lose it,
or sustain it.
00:35
24.7.07
ARGH!!!
went to revise my dance steps. then went outside gym to slack time off.
really dun wanna learn with the dancesports peeps. i feel very seperated from the rest of the dancesports. i dun feel any motivation anymore, now that i dont have someone to dance with, to learn with. no magic, no nothing.
i looked from outside, peered into their passion, looked at my reflections. reflected on my own situation.
im gonna attribute it to the situation, i dont care! i shall just give dancesports up and its not what i can do something about.
sorrow sorrow sorrow, when i step into the dancesports world. but when i peer in, i still feel passion and happiness.
then i saw the standing board jump mat. im attributing this to my personal dispositions. alright, i dun work extremely hard to pass, but i do work. but i still fail all the time.
argh!!!!
eth thats beyond my control, leave me now, or i'll leave you.
when i turn and leave
when i feel all is lost
what is making me linger on
why is it, my soul still feels so there.
when you're gone
the pieces of my heart are missing you
when you're gone
the face that i came to know is missing too
when you're gone
The words I need to hear to
always get me through the day and
make it ok
I miss you
19:35
19.7.07
its not about comparing plights
cause every incident is unique and cannot be denied.
its not about whether or not you've been through the dirt i've been through
or if you have been through worse
but how we help one another through.
because every emotion is dedicated
so its impossible for me to know your pain
and impossible for you to know my heartbreak.
what can we do, is to feel with our hearts, understand.
breathe, and live.
because life, goes on.
21:53
18.7.07
to avoid it. re-live the horror again and again, repeatedly. cry till you're drained, and cry the other day.
to make it. survive eth and function normally again. or at least appear to be able to.
what have you choose, where are you heading, what have you done?
seriously, all these years, and you look back.
some things are unchanged.
we have headed back to where we first started out.
what have we done?
11:30
9.7.07
lugged 7.5kg (i weighed) of stuff home today. laptop + four academic books + adapter + misc. if you think thats okay, you're crazy. on my way home today i suddenly have breathing difficulty. think its the lack of fresh air everywhere, crowded bus stops, library, everywhere. nearly blacked out, has been a few months since i had that. its a warning from my body.
i enjoyed today, i really do. i mean, next to doing aimless things and having fun when you have plenty of time to spare, i think its much more important to have fun even when you're in the midst of work, stressed and all. perhaps its compensation for the lack of parental love lately.
i think i can just ramble on and on, drifting from topics to topics.
i've being seeing less of some friends lately. time just doesnt permits us to meet, either online or real life. i feel kinda desperate for more time to get in touch with them. guilty too, in a way.
after typing so much i realise my mind is wandering far far far from me, floating out of the life around, floating out of assignments.
At what point of time after being partnerless should Ser Fee quit dancesports? Should it matter or not?
sometimes its hard to hold on
knowing where you belong
is not where you dwell
nor where you fell
and you question the air
to inhale such heavy breaths aint fair
but we all know we know
we need to carry on the show
so, go with the flow
20:00
5.7.07
OKAY
i must admit i really suck at handling this specific kind of relationship.
i apologise for the wrong timings and lack of assumptions.
i will definitly grow to be smarter and more sensitive.
I AM SORRY.
i am quite fed up with myself for letting things come to this state. i feel equally stupid awful and foolish.
although i have things to say, i must admit in this entire thing, i own the fault.
I shall now proclaim my stand right before anyone thinks anything:
1) i treat all guys and gals as friends, which ALL i wanna know better
2) i do not shy away from contact with guys/girls unless i feel uncomfortable. such contact, physical or verbal, should be assumed as normal buddy interaction.
3) i do not basically care about rumours or gossips due to lack of understanding of pt 2. i will continue! do not infer from this continuation that silence means agreement. i just cannot be bothered to address to the entire world, and i assume you know it too.
4) if unable to safely infer the type of relationship between me and you, you can either ask me, or simply assume 'just friends'.
5) more failed relationships only makes me more difficult to have one so i treasure each and every relationship. no assumption should be made based on this that any relationship is especially impt to me. unless i say so.
6) i do not shy away from contact even when a guy friend states he likes me or talks anything that hints so. if he states, i will clarify my stand. if not, i view our relationship as 'friends/good friends/best friends', as before but thats that. again, i assume the other party knows this. i am not that kind who forsakes relationships in order for clarity. because i am never the one confused. if the other party is unsure or confused, it is his job to initiate to address with me.
7) after stating the above, at no point of time should any confusion regarding status of relationship be attributed as a fault of mine.
8) the above is not targeting at anyone, any issues, or any objects. it is what i have basically wanted to scream, but have no chance to. it is a shout-out TO ALL.
9) the above is set up because of my dislike/fear for consequential incidents to happen. if any points above confuses anyone, please address. if any points above is disagreed upon or disliked, it is definitly your personal problem and do refrain from addressing with me.
10) the above is set because i know i suck at this specific type of relationship. precisely because i suck at it, it ought not be surprising if any pts prove to be contradictory to my actions/words/other points.
23:14
4.7.07
hmm. i was thinking.
there are so many ppl swopping/abandoning/giving up their dance partners now.
if the reason is 'no feel' perhaps i understand better. but from what i see, its a problem of 'not good enough'.
because we are both good, so we dump the slower partners and get together?
should dance relationship be like that?
but i thought its the relationship, that makes two ppl improve.
and i thought the 'feel' comes AFTER all the hard work is put in getting the dances right.
not getting together because of the feel.
i don't know. maybe its time i get my facts right.
maybe dance wasnt as magic as i felt it was. just a matter of competition and winning.
but i thought, the joy of dancing, is dancing.
not how well, not how much better, just enjoy.
but i see, it all different.
the heart should break,
when the magic stops.
13:57
25.6.07
three things.
firstly
you made up the decision
between you and i
i was something you could throw away
without asking, without respecting
no discussion, only 'sorry' after it
are you sure 'its a painful decision'?
secondly
you showed with selfishness
human's nature, i know
have you considered my position enough?
two days, to see, apparently, no.
lastly
the only i cannot accept
the fake promise
thank you, shows your credibility
two days, shows your credibility
oh yes, you have to do it
yes i know, you have to do it so
go on i see, just do it
just dont look back
just dont ever think about looking back
for what haunts me will then haunt you
and dont ever make a promise you can so easily break
or all the flags ever, will never amount to happiness
while you stand up so high, look down
see who you're stepping on.
hope you can still recognise
these pitiful souls
20:24
20.6.07
its been long since i blogged. lots things changed. my temper has become worse and quicker, but im happier. its true, i should start focus on the brighter things, and reflecting it in my blog.
dance camp just ended for me. so far, its kinda the only camp i've enjoyed (not that i went to that many), except the sleeping times really suck. my group Jive, got the 'oh-my-god-why-didnt-i-think-of-using-this-formation-i-should-have-used-this-formation-i-shall-use-this-routine-as-my-next-routine' award. it was much fun, make me regain my confidence, i can't complain. we learnt three new dances, and the mock competition nearly took my life by repeating itself. still, without the mock competition, i wouldnt have realised the only way to not screw up is to just have fun. (:
hmm. school's restarting and i havent study for my two tests, nor done any projects, and there's the dance competition. plus, my parents arent exactly the most understanding parents anymore. just hope my good mood rides over everything.
paper roses don't last
rely only on the sun's rise
roses filled with thorns
reminds nothing to be forever
so long the sky doesnt falls
i'll find love that ends the last.
22:14
13.6.07
time flies, does it? its like one thirty now and the next thing i know i'll be waking at one in the afternoon wasting a whole day of mine AGAIN.
NO.
im gonna do a quick post.
i watched the school field today for about thirty mins, watching all the sports and cheerleading people doing their thing. some embarressing, well, mostly in fact. i begun thinking about what i'd felt if i were them.
maybe its the weather, or the choc ice blended, or whatever.
i suggested to myself that maybe, just maybe, im self-centered.
and i was shocked to prove myself right. (haha) i ain't talking about myself, thinking of myself all the time. but i think somewhere in these days im starting to forget something.
the world spins on
regardless of what happens to me. its just my world that appears to stop for me.
so if it spins on, do i really weigh that much?
no. ppl survive on even if im dead, even if i do nth much for projects, even if im not there to comfort them.
y should i think from my point of view to think in others' view ALL THE TIME?
its hard but im gonna try put down my point of view. im insisting so much on expressing myself and my views im giving myself a horrible time.
one person does make a difference, yes. but its time to take some stress off myself, by not trying constantly to define who i am, not thinking im the most impt person around and not insisting on doing what the angel in me says.
maybe its better, to first be misinterpreted, then clearly understood.
to first listen and understand, then give advice when asked for.
to leave things and ppl as they are, and not get so uptight about eth anymore. no reminding ppl all the time, no being sensitive.
no thinkin about 'how to make eth in my life go the right direction' all the time.
let things ruin themselves if they are meant to head that direction.
choose letting go easily, then attempting to salvage struggling.
in other words, take things light.
we're all in our own worlds and i cant control yours, cant control what results in mine.
spins on, doesnt matter if anyone is satisfied or not.
life goes on. even if i ruin mine.
so long as i can breathe, i dont fear what i see coming anymore.
01:25
6.6.07
i need to find smth to indulge into.
to shift my focus to
before i realise whats fundamentally missing in my life, i want to see it as not present because it is not needed. not because its gone. but because it havent arrived.
out of so many things that i need to survive, i still dont believe i need any love, boy-girl kind of love.
there are some places, some heights, one can only go alone. find, discover, and strive.
23:59
4.6.07
ics quiz tml, and i havent studied. and im through my social psych assignment only by 65%.
I like to start off my posts this way as i can then get these surface issues off my mind temporarily. at least for the rest of the post.
i'm getting quieter and quieter. it scares me. as much as it scares me, i also know it won't do. whether or not i reveal my true self, i need to talk. but everytime im with people, i automatically seal myself off. all the information i wanna share. only when im alone do i complain that no one listens to me. well, actually im right. everyone is too caught up with keeping the momentum going. they are not going to break it because of me. and if the tune must go on, they have to continue feeding it. to wait for my melody after much silence would spoil the entire tune. and i never know the cue to get it. so i never do.
my melody, i keep within me. it constantly plays in me, each time louder than ever. each time crying to be freed.
who hears it?
23:34
21.5.07
if everyone was the way i set in mind for them to be, what fun would there be?
yes life is full of what i dont understand and i want to change. but i still live with it.
and life is full of unhappy people. be it because of me, directly or indirectly, or nothing because of me but affecting me. i wanna help all of these ppl. but i dont wanna suffer a burnout. if i help less than what i think i should, i'd probably feel unhappy too. but we all have to learn that life aint the fairytale we dreamt up. it gives us the settings to change, we cant decide these settings.
i will not worry unneccessarily about my assignments. this is what i made up my mind today about. i dont want to be frowning and not living my life happily just because there is five assignments undone. five only what. my life is so much more important and time more valuable. im goin to just do my best and GO.
i've also been reminded (by myself) that everyone is an individual. just because i am a certain way doesnt mean all has to follow. more importantly, they have the right to have their views, attitudes and behaviour, regardless of whether correct or incorrect. i have no right to interfere, manipulate them for my selfishness. i can guide them to find other things, but never to deny them or dislike them for being different.
tml will be the day i finish the draft of my writ comm assignment. good night. (:
23:26
16.5.07
i am so bloody tired!! its a sudden compromise of energy from everywhere, the body and the soul. to me, alot have happened today and im glad i just used the energy i have left to settle some issues.
when i waiting for my takeaways and feeling so tired i dont feel impatient, i thought about everything that happened, actions events feelings processes outcomes ifs and but thens. then when i felt like my tears were gonna start flowing, i was reminded that my mum hates me crying especially in the public. im very confused actually. some ppl ask me to just cry when i want to, but my mum HATES that about me. im a crybaby, most unfortunately for her.
i immediately asked myself to focus. its focus that makes me less messed up. so now at least i know where to store my probs and assignments and what to deal with them when.
im also starting to get into the 'do things my own way' attitude me. i need to set whatever emotions in me free.
i also thought about how ppl percieve the statement 'im very tired'. i got an unexpected reply today. maybe cause im too used to complaining to a specific someone who knows im complaining and thus will say 'how come?' as a cue for me to continue my complain. this made me cherish even more.and when i tell my mum 'imvery tired', she percieved it as a refusal to do a task she mentioned. then when i tell my best friend 'im very tired', she is only too eager to give suggestions. lolx.
most of the time, i just need you to listen. dont judge, dont assume, dont infer, dont suggest. cue and listen and understand. after i vent, i'll appreciate you more than if you had tried any of the dont's.
so yes, i AM tired.
22:10
12.5.07
i quarrelled with my mum yeterday. a huge one. we're back fine today but i can't start with how disappointed i am with me, my mum, and mostly our relationship.
i dont understand how concern could come out so wrong, misunderstanding could lead to a bigger misunderstanding where love doesnt seem to stand at all. how can relationships seem like battles in a quarrel when both sides are losing. when quarrels are supposed to solve the problem existing between us, not solve one of us.
makes me think maybe its time to really assess all my relationships with ppl. crudely. cause i dont want such a thing that happened between me and my mum to happen again.
compromises that ultimately blow eth out of proportion, makin me feel like all those good times werent very real, cause she had been compromising. i know she didnt want to go that far, to hurt me that much. but i made her, and i got what i want. the truth. and it hurts. i dont know how to live with her anymore. i guess i gotta start learning to respect her as a mother anew. start on a clean slate.
things aren't what they seem all the time. everything around. sometimes it makes me suffocate. other times i learn to live with it.
maybe happy days have made me blinded to the crude truth. if so, its time i meet it again. escape may be sweet but never real. and anything fake is never for me.
21:26
5.5.07
i'm bored at home. parents left me for a stay in malaysia, relative's house. its kinda good for me, except i have to remember to empty the trash before i go to sleep. the essay is killing me. but im determined, still, to produce THE ultimate essay im proud of.
i read tecky's blog. i like his writing style. but i can never see myself doin that. its cool. doesnt kill. (:
sometimes i'd think back. why do people want to hurt the way they do?
intentionally- or not
cruelly- or less
give me the slap and run off.
or is it my responsibilty to account to myself about what you've done?
and is it some problems know no end. so let it rest.
every time someone does that, it leaves a sort of emptiness in me. its part and parcel of everything. i guess.
whatever life gives, of course i recieve. and treasure.
what about choices? we make thousands everyday. can we take responsibilty for all our choices and the outcomes? or we push the knife to others.
so do i only have myself to blame for the way i feel? the stab's on me, but i'd prefer the knife with you. it'd hurts less.
i wish i could hate.
20:39
27.4.07
adults used to say to me: when you become as old as me, some things in life dont matter anymore. i get it now, but my reasons why 'some things in life dont matter' may be different. perhaps theirs are results of disappointment in those 'things'. mine is an appreciation of other things.
i just reflected on my blog entries by reading back. indeed, im always talking about cherishing, living the moment, being happy and blah. i hope YOU get brainwashed too (:
this is just me and my blog. not much about what happened today and how i felt about it (today we had S&W. i chose hip hop, the teacher is so cute/scary/cool! feel so tired), no getting back (yet) at ppl i dont like. more of serious talk my inner heart screams.
i believe in this theory: there are ppl who complicates (in thinking) and ppl who do not complicate much, or even at all. for the latter, events or things or the way they percieve direct them to emotions straightforwardly. they'll have good, and bad emotions. less mixed ones. for those who complicates, they normally find themselves buried in more and more linking questions that they have to solve before arriving at an emotion to feel and being at ease. they may, or may not solve these linking questions but they usually find themselves feeling not perfectly happy (like, something is missing) or miserable even when they thought thinking through makes them move on. I may not have expressed this theory well, try thinkin which type you are and reading again so you may understand.
I'd like to believe, i belong to the group of ppl that have complicated things so much that they have found the essential, the ultimate answer they always arrive at, the key to solve problems.
happiness.
happiness is a belief. call it folk psychology if you like, i truly belive in it.
22:24
26.4.07
i haven't post for quite a long time as i'm busy adjusting to poly life. still adapting. feeling sad these days... its a very mild pain that comes with emotion-less. you've got to experience it, its kinda cool. like, everything appears normal, you act normal but your heart is completely empty.
so... the second degree of heartbreak. and i failed hip hop audition. suddenly, i realised that i have no niche area. im just average for eth. looks, piano skills, singing, academic, etc. and i felt really pathetic. but after thinking for some time, its kinda okay, i'll just start to carve one. never too late. plus, many ppl survive on fine without a niche. i already got passion to survive on. and a fine family, good friends, and a heart that appreciates eth (almost). everyday, every experience, humans will just grow tougher. (:
hmm. i've also realised an absolute truth (duh, truths are absolute) about my mates in the course. i'd think of ppl who wanna study psychology as presumely a certain sort of ppl. it wasn't an assumption. the most a prediction. but it turns out, after i mingle in my tutorial group, alot of them have flaws. they dont attempt to hide them and they are fine with it. its like they think its part of the package. but thats okay to me, at least for now. i kinda feel more trusting with ppl who are obvious with their flaws. not that they won't hide their worse flaws, but at least they wont make me feel they'll jump and slam something bad on me. and i realise they do have problems, and traps. i also have wished all of them are matured and are self-aware of their emotions, thoughts processes, biasness, emotion traps, blah blah. but i know that humans are hard to be. thats probably y im feeling so upset. over-dramatically grieving over eth by appearing fine.
i know that no one can get me down except myself. so im not going to cry and get myself into some pathetic emotion trap. i feel better and i believe i'll feel even better tml (provided i stop falling sick. really pissing me off)! thanks to Jo and Gary for eth. i know i can be quite naggy at times. (:
16:23
4.4.07
i have six or seven days to orientation. i have an puzzle to complete, a haircut to get and a dozen more little but annoying things to do. pressed for time.
actually i have nothing much to blog about. just typin so my writing skills won't get that rusty.
but i can't even get words to flow.
like personally, i feel that my previous posts had some kinda flow. this one's not having it.
this one's more like chit-chat (what normal blogs do) than making a point.
you know the term 'moving on'?
the term itself is so concrete yet to do it is not at all.
its not smth you can make up your mind to do and get it done, fullstop, period. even believing in it, after time, when you look at it, you'd find it didnt happen at all. not one bit.
yet all the while you got yourself believing you were somehow 'moving on'.
then you meet a certain object/event/human, and THUD! all the emotions surge back into your heart, gather memories as help from the brain, flood the whole heart, leaving you breathless.
breathless, miserable, and crying.
and your heart, with every pump, cringe in pain and there seem to be a hole, that cannot be filled.
why couldn't i move on?
of course moving on is smth we have to make up our mind to believe we can do it for it to happen. (i hope i make sense...) but it doesn't always happen.
moving on is a tricky business.
now, i suddenly remember a phrase, 'the past will never pass'
one day one will retain only the much treasured emotions and memories, the essence of it all, deem it as a beautiful episode of life, and one will settle that the past, will never return.
now that, will be moving on.
whenever i realise i have moved on from smth, when all i remember is 'how fortunate that happened to me', my heart feels exactly like when i am watching the sun rise. lifted and freed.
have you ever treasured someone/something so deeply that it tricks you to feeling that,
because it constantly replays in your mind, it hasn't moved into the past at all?
i hope, to slowly release it so it can find its rightful place in my sea of memories, that is, past memories. (yeah, 'past' in 'past memories' is redundant)
21:59
15.3.07
i haven't blogged for very long but was just reminded to do so. i guess laziness to express everything in words have gotten into me. furthermore, im just so preoccupied with my job (but tml's my last working day) and my recently bought 2000pieces jigsaw puzzle. really enjoy placing every piece into its rightful position.
work has taught me a hell lot of things i'd never want to learn only when i start working life. im glad i get to know politics, business sense, emotions control and family responsibilities earlier. (:
recently, the feeling of lonliness has REALLY gotten into me. all my past friends are having their own lives at jcs and when i peered at 'em through their blogs/friendster accounts, it makes me feel so outta-of-their-lives. like they are not those friends who have accompanied me through the months. they will never be again. even the memories of the past seem so diminished. this should be what i call 'floating apart'. i reckon i shall miss my working friends equally. once im over feeling left out, im gotta go get my new poly life too. its just life, what we are used to.
there are many lessons i've learnt ever since the last post. shall talk about what i consciously remember.
firstly, i read a book called 'dont sweat the small stuff'. one lesson in it was 'let the madman have his accident elsewhere'. the morale was to NOT compete with the crazy fellow driving recklessly and instead let him off so as to stay outta any possible accidents. yeah, don't fight/quarrel/argue with mad ppl. not only will they never say 'you win', they make you unhappy, hurt, tired, spiritually mentally emotionally.
i also become more aware that many of us are indeed spiritually dumb, 'characterized by materialism, expediency, narrow self-centeredness, lack of meaning and dearth of commitment'.
many adults may say getting a diploma is gonna waste a year as compared to getting an a level degree.
if you can't make a connection between these two sentences, you may end up being one of the workin population who are never satisified with their jobs and their lives, living their entire lives only to sometimes wonder what exactly are they doin, then pushing off such insecurities because they understand its too late for regrets. no goals in life, no true happiness. and by then, in your thirties (early retirement perhaps) or seventies, what help has your load of money gotta offer to recompensate that certain regret you have about choosing the more 'realistic' route over the route you love or about not hanging out with your friends but mugging at home or about robbing yourself of the moments? live the moment.
heard of the fisherman story? another version that i know of from the show 'angel lover' is this: this young man wanted to earn alot of money so he could buy a house with beautiful scenerio. instead he was jobless and homeless. he met this homeless woman who stays on the streets. she had the view of the galaxy that money may not be able to buy, the fresh air to go along with it, the soft grass to lie upon, all for free. im not sayin the guy need not get a job or a home but why insist, dwell on things you cannot get at the moment for your defination of happiness? you miss out a whole lot more.
adults, this is smth you failed to retain as you grow. the simplicity of happiness.
sure we have not gone to the extent we forget people in the poor countries and other people around. what about the universe? do we still remember that Earth is not the only planet around and there may possibly be other creatures on other planets and that there are many many unknowns in the galaxy? do we still care that we remember? or perhaps all we now care about is ME, MY friends, MY life, MY world, MY impression that third world countries are poor, MY stand. do many of us still remember what is to think from the view of others? alright im getting more and more random.
the last thing i would like to mention that i learnt from the restaurant manager is this:
do not stand opposite me.
forget first about what you think and what you feel.
stand from behind me.
learn to think what i think and feel what i feel.
and i will miss yesterday so,
but i await tomorrow even more,
while i experience today, this very moment, fully
20:03
17.1.07
never trust your memories. they replace the truth and all that you've experienced becomes what you wished had only happened.
you only remember the extreme happiness and extreme sadness.
where goes the simple bliss, or aching pain? or the emotions that came along with it?
so convienently left apart.
maybe we like it that way. cause we are all infactuated with ourselves.
but what im saying is, never trust your memories.
but without memories. what am i left with?
an empty soul.
and so i continue filling myself with less-than-accurate information of my past.
i like it that way.
16:50
10.1.07
is it true..., that, the older we become, the less we deserve the right to get protected? just because we have learnt the means of defending ourselves. as if like, 'you're old, you tell lies, i dun trust you're truthful enough for me to believe in and protect' or 'you're old, you're strong, you've gone through the harsh, you can take it'
i don't get it at all.
i don't want to get it.
such a realization that im no longer eligible for protection because im deemed as an adult by most makes me wanna cry.
just because one is strong and can take blows or defend oneself doesnt mean he/she doesnt need others to make him/her up. to believe unconditionally in him/her.
someone once told me that we are all inter-dependant in this world. no one can live alone. not in this centuary, in the city.
but i really feel so alone.
maybe thats the way we are suppose to exist. as contradictions.
22:02
i got a burn on my hand.
the skin didn't hurt that badly when it was burnt. i just get constantly reminded of it everytime i put my hand into the oven. feel the heat.
it reminds me of jealousy. i have no control over it, it annoys me. cause... you can be on par with someone or even better. but jealousy makes you see that that someone is much more superior. in a weird way. you forget to think of your own traits (positive ones). it annoys me alot cause i feel it too, i understand the reasons and the effect but i can't stop it.
like the burn its not really jealousy that annoys. its the times im reminded of jealousy and that i am jealous when i'm given the chance to be jealous.
i placed a plaster over the burn. gonna assume it heals instantly.
21:52
4.1.07
majority of us out here are trying to pull stunts. all kinds of stunts.
not many does it well, but for those who has it going badly, faking what they're not, yet believing without a doubt that they are it, lets applause them for their effort. afterall, it is that, that makes everyone keep trying and trying, to be cool, to be mean, to be who they think they really are, to be who they think everyone admires, and who they think everyone wants to be.
hey, go on. undeniably, we all enjoy stunts- be it us doing it, or others attempting it.
i'd sometimes think of myself as pulling a continuous stunt, that im not doing any stunt.
but no, really, i'm not.
14:02
1.1.07
THE FIRST DAY OF THE REST OF THE YEAR!
is not as different as the first second of the minute, the first minute of the hour, or the first hour of the day, after all.
cherish every breath
to all who have bothered to scroll back chapter one page one
surf-everydayrants.blogspot.com
21:09
